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Healing Anger When using these suggestions and healing techniques in this article please make sure you are in a safe environment and not a danger to anyone including yourself. If you feel your anger is excessive please seek expert help. “Anger is never without a reason, but seldom a good one.” - Benjamin Franklin
Nelson Mandela "Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies".
Once you admit you have anger then you can begin to deal with it. What ever name you call it, irritation, frustration etc. the bottom line is, it is a degree of anger. There is a part of you which remain in the dark until you are ready to deal with it and so if you have noticed the signs of anger don't deny them anymore. There are a few “always” in healing. Here is one of them: Anger (irritation, rage, hatred, etc.) is always based upon unfulfilled expectations. I let go of my expectations, I will not feel angry. My desires and expectation are always based of what “I” require to be the outcome of any situation. With anger you either want control or you are on the defensive.At the root of anger is past pain and hurt. It’s like a stinging nettle, it’s roots spread out under the ground and are hidden, but the top leaves have a sting in them and can hurt anyone who comes too close.Of all our complex and powerful emotions, anger remains the most misunderstood and the most destructive. Uncontrolled anger can ruin your personal life, your health, your family, and your career.
To many of you, the idea of anger may conjure up fearful and unpleasant images. Anger may be associated with scenes of abuse, hurt, violence, or destruction. So people will react to anger and express anger in different ways, according to their own experiences of anger. Anger is not inherently a bad thing. Anger has a purpose and is essential to your health, well-being and survival. Anger is a danger signal telling us that you need to become aware of and take some action about yourself or a situation that you are in. Pain in your body signals that something is wrong physically or not good for our body. Put your hand in the fire and you learn that you get burned by fire and it is painful. And so it is with anger which tells you that something is not good for you. Research shows that anger can be; · Destructive and Constructive · Healthy and Unhealthy · Dangerous and Beneficial. If you are an angry person and you are screaming, shouting and expressing anger all the time you are leading yourself to a heart attack. If you hold in the resentments and suppress your anger you are taking yourself towards cancer. The emotional toll can be feelings of low self esteem, distant, remote and ashamed. Its all about how you deal with it, whether you express it or suppress it, and there are many schools of thought on these two. Think of the following types of expression of anger and see if you can identify your behaviour. 1. Do you have a short fuse and erupt in anger at very little provocation. Say exactly what is to be said and then it is over. You don’t say anything in anger that is hostile or violent. You don’t name call you let others know how they feel – you give ‘both barrels’. 2. You are usually sweet-tempered and good-natured. You are slow to anger and quick to forgive. However, you collect up all the anger you feel from hurts received in the past, however minor they may be, and throw them all at once. 3. You love being angry and find it an invigorating, exciting emotional experience. You feel you are entitled and feel it is empowering to say and do anything you would not normally do when not angry. When angry you say horrible things because you feel safe to do so because you are angry. Your anger is a passport to expressing yourself in this way. You also expect people to forgive you whatever just because you were angry. 4. You are slow to anger, and very slow to become really angry. You are also slow to forgive and forget incidences that caused you to be angry. The Suppressor You rarely, if ever display any anger. You deny that you even fell angry and you are frightened of expressing anger in any way. You may have had a traumatic experiences in your childhood where anger was used in voilence or you may have been at the receiving end of anothers anger and may be denying or suppressing a lot of emotional pain. Expressed anger is just as dangerous to your body's and your emotional health as Suppressed anger. The question is not whether to Express or Suppress but "How can I express my anger in a way which will have a positive outcome for both me and the recipient?".
The Five Conditions of Anger by Aristotle "Anyone can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not easy." Aristotle – The Nichomachean Ethics Right Person – the anger must be expressed to the person you are angry with. Don’t direct your anger to someone else. You must realise who and what caused you to be angry in the first place. Right Degree – your anger must be gauged according to the severity of the wrong committed, and must be expressed in an appropriate way which restores your sense of justice, balance and fair play. You shouldn’t be overly angry for minor trifles and too meek for serious transgressions. Right Time – you must respond to the offending person at the right occasion. This may be at the time of the incident that angers you, or it may be later when you have had time to cool down a bit. It may be inappropriate, especially for minor incidences, to wait for an extended period of time before bringing up the incident with the person involved. Right Purpose – what is the reason that you want to vent your anger? Is it only because you want to feel vindicated, or maybe you’re feeling vindictive and want to hurt the other person? Or do you want the other person to understand the effect of their action on you? They may need to learn from your reaction. You may be protecting yourself from them hurting you emotionally or professionally. Right Way – the manner in which you express your anger should be appropriate. That is, if someone makes you angry you shouldn’t necessarily respond by punching them in the nose or over-reacting in some way! Sometimes when we explain how we feel about the situation to the person it can change a whole relationship because we are taking responsibility for our own feelings. Sometimes you may not be able to talk to the person face to face so you will have to use self help methods to heal your emotions.
Dealing With Other People’s Anger In order to cope with an angry, hostile person you must first cope with your own feelings. Someone who erupts in a rage will cause you to have an emotional reaction of anger yourself. If you react to the person with anger, this will escalate the angry episode where no reasonable resolution can be reached.
If you can maintain control of your own feelings it will be easier for you to follow these guidelines: Let the angry person express their feelings. If you try to disallow their anger or tell them not to shout it will only make them angrier. Just listen attentively to what they are saying. Try to find out why they are angry. Ask questions and summarise what they are saying so that they can see you are trying to understand. Do this in a way that is neither condescending nor judgmental. Remember that the person may be pointing something out to you that you have to look at or deal with. Don’t argue back. This will only prolong the agony. Express your own feelings rationally, but don’t surrender to them. When you see they have calmed down (if they calm down!) because you gave them the time and opportunity to express their anger, then you can work together to resolve the situation (then you can reduce the threat you pose to them). This may mean apologising, explaining, agreeing to behave differently or suggesting some other solution to the problem. What you agree to must be in accordance to your understanding of the situation and be appropriate, although sometimes it may be best to apologies (be humble) and discuss the incident with the person at another time when emotions aren’t running so high. When we start to awaken to a new and fresh level of honesty within ourselves, we also open a new level of compassion that lies within the heart of every seeker of truth. Without that bridge of honesty it is really impossible to proceed on any real path of transformation. Until we can transform the negative emotion of anger and the thought patterns that accompany it we will not be truly free to live our life from a state of peace and harmony. The way forward now is to release the suppressed anger to realise when we are being sarcastic we are suppressing our anger and being passive aggressive. We do have a choice and it is up to you to take the positive steps to make the correct choice for the given situation. Remembering anger can be positive if it leads to reforms and change of a situation that is destroying all that is good. To move forward you need to be totally honest with yourself and know you are responsible for the choices you make.
LOOKING DEEPLY, RELEASE (MEDITATION) 1. Contemplating a person in anger. I breath in. Seeing the suffering of that person. I breath out. 2. Contemplating the damage from anger to self and others. I breath in. Seeing the anger burns and destroys happiness. I breath out. 3. Seeing anger's roots in my body. I breath in. Seeing anger's roots in my consciousness. I breath out. 4. Seeing the roots of anger in pride and ignorance. I breath in. Smiling to my pride and ignorance. I breath out. 5. Seeing the angry person suffer. I breath in. Feeling compassion for the angry person who suffers. I breath out. 6. Seeing the unfavorable environment and unhappiness of the angry person. I breath in. Understanding the causes of this unhappiness. I breath out. 7. Seeing myself burned by the fire of anger. I breath in. Feeling compassion for myself burning with anger. I breath out. 8. Knowing my anger makes me look ugly. I breath in. Seeing myself as the chief cause of my ugliness. I breath out. 9. Seeing when angry I am a burning house. I breath in. Taking care of my anger and going back to myself. I breath out. 10. Contemplating helping the angry person. I breath in. Seeing myself able to help the angry person. I breath out. 11. Filling myself full of peace and love. I breath in. Seeing myself full of peace and love. I breathe out. Thich Nhat Hanh
In my experience most people do not like to see themselves as angry and will use many other words to describe how they feel rather than using the word angry. The following exercises will help you to understand your feelings around the word anger and this emotion. Write a short description of how you feel about anger. How do you express your anger? · Draw it, what shape is it, what colour? Does it have texture? · If it is an animal, which would it be?. Is it behind bars or running - walking to heel or on a leash? · If a climate or weather or a landscape or environment or habitat what would it look like?. · Follow the anger back to the pain and hurt which underlie it by mind mapping or some similar exercise. Once you have identified if you are a suppresser ask the following questions; · Think about why you suppress your anger. You can sometimes feel disloyal to your parents, partners etc. or you don't like to think badly of anyone. · What are your payoffs? Does it make you feel better than? Does it feed your Martyr? · Do you believe that anger is destructive? · Do you tell yourself you have no right to be angry and will do anything for the sake of peace.? · What are the costs of blocking your anger? (Low self-esteem, physical symptoms, depression, shallow unsatisfying relationships, inability to assert yourself). Exercises for both Expressors and Suppressors Make a list of 5 things from your past which still makes you angry. Write down your feelings - perhaps by writing down what happened. Write a letter to the person or situation concerned being totally open and honest about your feelings. YOU DO NOT SEND THE LETTER BUT BURN IT. It is not helpful to write a letter and send it, except in exceptional circumstances. These exercises are for you to deal with your feelings of anger and its many degrees.
VisualisationsI Recall a previous experience where you responded in anger to another angry person. This could be a partner, friend, work-mate or family member. Now visualise yourself in this situation but maintaining your calm centre and talking calmly and rationally to the other person. You see the other person calming down and you are both able to discuss the situation or problem that made the other person angry. Together you reach a resolution to the problem that you are both happy with. Apologise to the other person for your actions if that is appropriate. See yourself as accepting responsibility for your actions (again, if appropriate). See yourself hugging the other person at the end of the visualisation. Create a visualisation that would be the best possible way of handling the situation for both you and the other person involved. 2 Rewind the film and visualise what you wish you had said and done in a certain situation and feel the feelings. With feeling the feeling you could wish to punch the other person, or to scream. Or you may feel extreme rage coming to the surface. It would be handy to have a pillow to thump, (Gestalt Therapy) or a telephone directory to tear up so that you move the energy stuck in your body with physical movement. If you can shout out all things you want to say at the same time this is also very helpful. I advocate screaming in the car, or standing in the middle of a field. Naturally one would make sure they were not disturbing other people.
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Physical exercises for the release of anger1. Imitate a frown. 2. Fix a point on a hard surface, such as a table, or the arm of an arm chair, and thump it with your fist. 3. Stick out your jaw and pull extreme faces whilst thumping a pillow. 4. Choking a towel 5. Tearing up telephone directories. 6. Dancing to loud music. 7. Screaming.
REMEMBER THAT ANGER CAN BE DESTRUCTIVE OR CONSTRUCTIVE AND THAT ANGER CAN DESTROY ALL THAT IS BEAUTIFUL
To heal our anger we must transcend that which hurt us without getting lost in the experience, for instance Martin Luther King, Jr., couldn't bring a stop to hate by hating. Nelson Mandela couldn't have survived more than two decades in a South African prison if he had despised those who imprisoned him. In the same way it is impossible to end war by creating more wars, its clear that angry people cannot create a peaceful world. (Words of the above slightly adapted from The Divine Matrix by Gregg Braden page 205)
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